2. Letter Writing
3. Some Do's
4. Some Don'ts
5. What Do Russians Really Think About Americans?
6. Russian National Character
7. Russian Men
8. Who Is a Real Traditional Russian Woman?
Looking For A Wife In Russia?
If you are traveling to Russia in search of a wife, or even to visit Russian friends, then the
information in this article can supply you with some valuable tips about the culture and the women.
I should say up front that this article does not attempt to provide information about any other countries
and cultures of the former Soviet Union. Although frequently lumped together as though these countries share
a single culture (Ukraine, for instance, has significant differences from Russia), they do not. Differences
do exist and can significantly alter the outcome of a man's search if approached as a singular culture.
You should know what you want from marriage and at least enough about the specific culture you are dealing
with if you are to achieve an outcome that actually matches your expectations.
I don't think any single publication or source of information can really prepare a man in the comprehensive
manner that is needed to fully prepare him for the task of searching for a wife in Russia. For men seeking a
truly lasting marriage, taking the time to get to know a woman is advice we should all be able to agree on.
So, when you do make contact with these women, take a sensible amount of time to exchange letters and get to
know each other. Don't make the mistake of traveling to Russia on the basis of a few letters and a pretty
face. Too many men (and these women) pay a heavy price because of impulsive decisions.
Just below are some tips about letter writing, followed by some other topics containing helpful information.
The value of letter writing should not be underestimated. And, the content of those letters is equally
important. I have listed some do's and don'ts. Pay attention to them and your prospects for success
will be enhanced.
Udachi vam! (Good luck!) - Alla Trubetskaya
Letter Writing
(Some of these do's and don'ts will change as a relationship matures. They are not necessarily in chronological order to account for style and circumstance.)
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Some Do's
- Explain why you are looking for a wife in Russia.
- Are you lonely? Have you in the past or do you now feel pain because of loneliness? Then, say so! A traditional woman needs to be needed. If you picture your life as perfectly successful and without problems, a traditional girl might not be as interested in you.
- If you are divorced, explain why. What is your relationship with your ex-wife?
- Do you have children? What is your relationship with your child/children?
- If you are single, explain why you have not yet married.
- Explain something about your faith or spirituality (in simple terms).
- Explain what being honest and faithful means to you.
- What kind of woman are you looking for? Describe her character. Do you want a woman that will be a homemaker? Work full time? Part time?
- Give a brief chronology of your life and memories of your childhood.
- What kind of relationship do you have with your family?
- Describe your lifestyle and the city, town or rural area you live in.
- Explain any problems and disappointments you've experienced in looking for a wife.
- What kind of life do you see with your future wife?
- Talk about your hobbies and interests.
- Explain what you know about Russian art, music and literature.
- Be willing to help with postage/e-mail. It's a large expense for women that are often at the margins of living. Also, if by post, pre-addressed return envelopes are helpful in avoiding delays as a result of mistakes.
Some Don'ts
- Don't talk about sex or about past sexual partners. For women in North America and Western Europe, this might be acceptable. But, in Russia this is highly inappropriate. If a woman in Russia doesn't mind talking openly about this, the risk factor rises. You can get the same results without leaving home.
- Don't ask for her vital statistics. Don't ask for photos of her in a bikini.
- Don't emphasize material wealth until you are pretty sure your relationship with her has a realistic outlook. It's ok to state that you are stable and dependable. (Don't go fishing for barracudas)
- Don't send photos of your house, car or other possessions.
- Don't make negative comments about past romantic partners and don't make them a topic of casual conversation.
- Don't talk about how you saved by buying used clothing or stress other topics related frugality. It takes time to understand her culture and circumstances. Begin explaining your monetary habits in more detail only after you have learned more about her culture and her own experiences.
- Don't talk about death as a casual topic of conversation.
- Don't use slang and avoid colloquialisms. Keep your messages simple and clear. What will she think if you tell her you are going to spoil her rotten?
- Don't ask her why she wants marry a foreigner (she will think you don't know how to read). In any case, she will tell you. For the most part, it's not about economics. Economic hardship is more akin to the straw that broke the camel's back.
- Don't cross-examine her about her motives for marrying a foreigner. These women mostly already know that men ask these questions. Listen, be patient and don't use an accusing tone. It will insult a sincere woman and can place your relationship with her at extreme risk. Gaining an understanding of a person can take time and patience.
- Don't send cheap handcrafts, gag items or humorous greeting cards as gifts. Don't send any kinds of intimate, hygienic or used items. Flowers are ok at the appropriate time, but always in odd numbers.
- Avoid talking about politics and military conflicts and especially avoid talking about communism. Also, gag any thoughts about praising "Gorby" (Mikhail Gorbachev) until you learn more about how Russians view recent and past historical events.
- Don't make references to the economic conditions in Russia and don't brag about the economic conditions in your own country. If she's sincere, she will tell you about life in Russia without complaining too much about her own situation.
- Don't be too quick to send money. In any case, if handled improperly, this can be both insulting and humiliating. If a woman finds a reason for you to send money, especially too soon into a relationship (i.e., my mother is gravely ill, I just lost my job, my grandfather needs Viagra), it's time to get suspicious. A sincere woman with self-respect will need to be approached cautiously and with regard for her feelings.
What Do Russians Really Think About Americans?
Although the situation is improving, Russians really do not know a lot about America and Americans. The majority of Russians get information about Americans from Hollywood movies and soap operas such as Santa Barbara (Ouch! What a gross, pathetic source of information!). As well, many Russian "journalists" publish a steady stream of misinformation for communists that are still alive and breathing and nationalists that are also fighting for power. In addition, far too many Americans traveling to Russia in search of wives exhibit extremely disrespectful behavior that often overshadows those men that are respectful and courteous. No surprise that the images Russians have of Americans is convoluted.
Remember, unlike Americans, many Russians still don't have easy access to factual information. Despite the many changes that have taken place, they are still faced with a wall of misinformation that has to be scaled in order to get to the truth. Be forgiving. Here is a list of the main stereotypes Russians have of Americans:
- Americans are greedy. They will spend their money only on a profitable investment. They count each penny.
- Americans are ignorant about language and culture outside their own, are selfish and self centered. They are individualists, not really caring about the feelings of others. Although they are quick to smile and act joyful towards others, it is just a mask. They are generally only interested in themselves.
- Americans are poorly cultured and educated. They don't like to read literature and don't understand the arts and good music. They prefer "pop" culture and have poorly developed cultural tastes.
- Americans are crazy about sex. They have no moral taboos. Uninhibited sexuality is still going strong in America.
- Americans are naive. They believe each and every word they hear and it is easy to deceive them.
- The main reason Americans look for Russian wives is because they are "tightwads" looking for cheap labor abroad, knowing that Russian women are selfless and unspoiled.
Russian National Character
Speaking about the Russian national character, I would probably place kindness, generosity and spirituality
as their most attractive characteristics. Extraordinary patience, a rich inner world (but not very practical
about material possessions) is also very common. Russians are survivors, however. The majority of them have
great imagination and are great innovators. But, they are also famous for their laziness, passiveness and
an inclination to talk instead of taking action.
Russians, as I've said, do not have a great opinion of themselves. But, they can be proud of many things.
Russian culture is renowned throughout the world. Although under communism they were almost destroyed, the
natural abilities of Russians in music, the arts and literature have endured. Almost every Russian home has
at least a good, even if small, library of literature and art. Many Russian women have an excellent
musical education and are very talented in sewing, knitting and other types of crafts. Many of them draw and
paint near or at a professional level.
Talking about the Russian traditional character, I want to make a very important point. No matter how religious
or atheistic some Russians are, the influence of Christian Orthodoxy is deep in their blood. They all were
raised in the Orthodox Christian culture and traditions that are in Russian literature, music, art and
philosophy. That's why the Russian mentality is different from the Catholic-Protestant mentality of Europeans
and Americans.
Catholicism has inherited the culture of will power, order, respect for law and the sober, calculated reason
of Ancient Rome. Protestantism values individualism and freedom, a high work ethic, thriftiness and
personal responsibility. Orthodox mentality is the philosophy of self-consciousness, struggling mind,
and alienation from earthly, materialistic life for the sake of the richness of an inner world. A Russian
usually is more aware of his soul than of his material status.
Protestant mentality wants well-being, order, security and serenity. Traditionally, Russians have not placed
a high priority on earthly prosperity (at least in their sub-consciousness). Deep in their minds they have
the idea that money is dirty, and that being wealthy is nothing to be proud of.
The principles of Protestant mentality - life is about hard work and to earn more but to spend less -
seems extremely boring for some Russians and is sometimes even regarded as evidence of greed. No matter how
poor Russians live they like to spend money and are famous for their generosity.
A westerner is accustomed to being responsible for himself and being independent. He also wants everybody
respect his privacy and keep a distance. Russians like to open their hearts to strangers and they got used
to giving and receiving help from their friends and relatives any time. Guests and relatives are always welcome
in Russian homes. They usually stay there at night no matter how small and crowded the home is. To ask a guest
or relative to go to a hotel can sound very offensive and humiliating for Russians.
Russian Orthodox culture praised morality and purity very highly. It also awakens the conscience about
people's behavior. That's why social morality in Russia, even in times of great trial, was always rather
high. Even now the most well known Russian characters are famous because of their shyness, modesty and
chastity. It is considered rude to boast or to praise their achievements.
Russian Men
The communist regime and Perestroika have been extremely damaging to Russian men. Many men that couldn't
find their place - that couldn't adjust - became alcoholics and/or chronically depressed. Those who survived
and prospered most successfully are the so-called "New Russians" - very wealthy people, often with little or
no morality, culture or honor. These are the main reasons why traditional Russian women want to marry
foreigners. The best of them, the cultured and educated women, can't stand the "New Russian" mentality with
their perverted attitudes about morality and spirituality. And, these women can't build their families and
have children with devastated, weak and crushed men, many of whom are emotionally and physically abusive.
Although economics play a definite role, traditional women would never desert the men in Russia because
of financial hard times. They are not weak and shallow and would never desert a man because of economic
hardship.
Of course, there are traditional Russian men who are cultured, educated and respectful towards women.
But, unfortunately, their number is much lower than the number of Russian women of the same quality.
The hope for Russia is that her children will help turn things back to a balanced condition.
Who Is A Real traditional Russian Woman?
As in most societies, there are different types of women in Russia with different attitudes. Some of them
are traditional - some are not. Let me give you a reasonable description of a traditional woman: The main
things that separate her from a modern, "emancipated" woman are her priorities and values, which are
dominantly oriented towards family, husband and children. She is generally free of egoism and ready
without hesitation to give up her career and devote her life to her family. She will not view this as a
sacrifice, but as a labor of love. And, she will not hesitate in making this decision. If needed, she will
work her fingers to the bone in times of hardship. A traditional woman is somewhat old-fashioned in her
attitudes and moral values. She is unwaveringly loyal, patient and forgiving, but intolerant to liberal,
moral conceptions of living. She will not accept betrayal, lies and double standards of morality. She is
stern with herself and her family with regard to these prerequisite standards.
A traditional woman is strong and proud. She doesn't need a man to depend on for financial survival.
But, she does not want to live her life alone - a life without a family. More than anything, she wants with
all her heart to be a wife and mother. She believes that this is her natural mission and destiny in life.
Nothing is more important than the well-being of her family. She will feel happy and successful only if
everything is well and secure in her home. She is not envious of career women and she will never regret her
choice of family over career. Her decision comes not from weakness, but from her strong will, wisdom and
common sense about what is most important.